Read Grimm’s fairytales to be more alert to emotional danger. Manipulation and Blame Someone stuck in the Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor game, someone who is obsessed with manipulating others, or someone who is an active addict; they are all looking for someone else to play games with.
(Note how the main character is manipulated by the wealthiest woman in town in Empire Falls by Richard Russo).
(See relationship triangles page & learn this game).
Stay on the lookout for those who never make statements of responsibility, or those who find comfort blaming everyone else. Stay alert to your own willingness to be a target for blame. Charm Run because underneath charm is emptiness and narcissism.
Your role will be the boring one of the constant audience; not very engaging for an entire lifetime.
Rent the movie Mansfield Park (by a British Female Director of Jane Austen’s Novel which illustrates this point. Desperation No one will be attracted to desperate neediness if they are in their right mind.
Extremes such as excessive adoration, disgust, or indifference in parental relationships can be trouble.
Basically you want someone who gets along with their parents.
Being able to influence someone else is the ultimate test of respect.
Try to keep your list of expectations from erasing all the possibilities. Isolating Behavior If your new love interest maneuvers you into leaving all your friends behind instead of being interested in meeting them, be careful, something is amiss. Self-destructiveness It’s simple, if you smell it stay away. Those who enjoy being sadistic do not try to examine themselves, so they will not be on this web site. Remember Nice is Not the Same as Good Why do people find it so easy to confuse these two? It is honest self awareness that helps us honestly face our dark sides & grow up. They don’t respect your differences You have to be able to be yourself. Pleasing someone else should not involve losing track of yourself. Their survey reported 30% of all singles polled are not looking for a long-term relationship.
If the man has a good heart, a good mind, keeps game playing to a minimum and has a decent relationship with his mother, what more could you want? The big bad wolf was really nice to Little Red Riding Hood. Don’t Become “Enchanted” The role of rescuer to a lost boy/girl can be enchanting. The most important factor people were looking for was intelligence.
People allow themselves to be seduced by charm because it’s glorious to leap over awkward beginnings in relationships. Give up the Rescuer role, thinking that you will be a good person by fixing them up. Phil says put out an “I want to be with you” vibe instead of “I need to be with you.” 4.
Let them hire a therapist instead, where relationship boundaries require them to do 50% of the work. If Heterosexual – Determine their relationship with their opposite sex parent (Freud had a few things right).Feeling sorry for someone is a treacherous place to be because it lacks respect. The Enmeshment of Codependency is not Love Please read about codependency section under anxiety. “Love me no matter what” This is an extremely emotionally dangerous requirement. This is a crazy thing to demand of another adult if you are 18 or over. Mirroring the system An example of this would be the person you date is a problem drinker and your alcohol intake increases when you are with them. Beware the Distancer There are many who make an art of never really sharing their heart, who only feel safe buried in distance.