Invalidating my feelings
He's deflecting and not taking responsibility for his actions. Your BF is oversimplifying what these self help books are saying and using it to his advantage.He needs to understand that his actions can hurt people, regardless of whether they can "control their emotions" or not. He’s probably no dummy but he does sound super immature. Next time he tells you that you can choose your feelings or whatnot tell him you can also choose to be with a better man. I (and presumably he also) am very lucky with my mental health and pretty much can choose how I feel about things in the sense that it's very easy for me to say "oh well! I found it very frustrating seeing my friends be upset about things, because I couldn't empathise at all with their inability to control their feelings, so from my perspective they were wallowing in their own misery instead of just snapping out of it. Granted I never treated people badly that I'm aware of, I only got frustrated when they were upset about general things, so I'm not too sure what that's all about, but I would try saying something along the lines of, "I understand that you're very in control of your emotions. But sometimes it seems like you don't respect the fact that I'm different to you and can't choose how I feel.This is an amazing way to deflect any sort of responsibility or accountability for the foreseeable future.When you do something that upsets him does he also just “choose to be happy”?I understand that you can choose how you feel, and that you think I should be able to, and maybe one day I will be able to! So when you say/do things like (examples of things that have upset you), it upsets me.I need my partner to respect those feelings and not repeatedly act in ways that upset me.
They’re called self help books, not manipulate other people to get out of taking responsibility books. HOWEVER, he did begin to see things my way ONLY after I started treating him the way he treated me, and sometimes using his own statements against him.
Every partner is probably going to make you sad, angry, or disappointed at SOME point.